The second reason is that I needed some time to heal. I had started following and reading fitness magazines. I was looking at pictures of the bikini and figure competitors and was dying to look like them. I started looking down at myself wondering why I couldn't discipline myself like them. It wasn't good and it didn't hit me until one of my long Saturday runs, in training for my marathon, how bad I had gotten. I had just taught a 45min and was running 16 miles right afterwards. I was over 10 miles in when I noticed that I was feeling stronger than ever. I wasn't having to run with my patellar tendon knee straps and I wasn't slowing down. This was when I wanted to slap myself because I was beating myself up for not looking perfect and all my muscles don't pop. Instead, I could spin my heart out for an hour and then immediately go run double digits...that's pretty bad ass right there.
I realized I had lost my inner "beast" that I had found when I started running long distance races over 4 years ago. Instead of seeing how far I have come over the years. Freshman year of high school I came in at 145 and finished xcountry that fall at 120, I played collegiate soccer, completed a duathlon, and had run 4 full marathons, 2 halfs, and was training for my 5th full and first triathlon. How could I not think I was a beast?? So, since then I have worked on putting less pressure on myself and giving myself more credit. I finally did during my 5th marathon 2 weeks ago. I was less than .5 mile away from the finish when I ran past 2 women. One of the women said, "This last mile is for us. No one put in that training, but us. OUR feet bled, OUR muscles ached, WE did it. " I pushed myself even harder to the finish line, slowing gaining by "beast mode" back. I crossed the finish line, holding back tears (mainly because I'm never totally sane after finishing 26.2 miles) so much happier and prouder than ever of myself. People think I'm crazy when I say almost every problem in your life can be solved with a long run...
This brings me to why I changed the name of my blog. It's because my main goals when I started were my physical looks. I wanted to get more toned muscles and maybe a six-pack. Now, I'm no longer on a journey to my "perfect" body, but rather I'm on a journey to get my "beast" back. My first step in that direction has been to let myself off the hook for my imperfections. How do I remind myself to keep doing this? Well, I think the picture will tell you...
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| So now every time I look down I know that there is beauty in those things I wish I could change. |
My next step was to find something that would make me feel like a beast again. I knew that lifting has always done that for me, so I decided to try one of the more extreme sides of lifting- CrossFit. I found a CrossFit gym by my house, CrossFit Hydro. I just started this past week, but I'm already in love. I love lifting big weights, pushing myself a hell of a lot more than I would alone, and having people around you pushing you and also helping you get better. This next week starts my last intro classes before I get let loose to do WODs in regular classes!
Well I think I've dragged on long enough, but I'm glad I finally got it all out and I'm excited to get my beast back!
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