If you know me personally, you know I'm not a believer in coincidence. When similar things happen in a common period, I believe it's usually the universe or someone trying to tell you to get your act together and do something.
A few things have happened within the last couple of weeks that are just too weird to be "coincidence":
1. Somebody told me that they didn't want "big legs like mine." (I will explain why this bothered me).
2. I learned about some people involved in some not so good relationships (won't be expanding on this because its not my story to tell).
4. Others have told me to make sure I don't get "too big and manly because I am getting bigger."
5. Lastly, and what sent me off the edge- I read an online magazine article (Macleans.com), where the author said the girl in the Steubenville rape case should have been locked in her room for allowing herself to get that drunk. Full Story Here
(Okay, here's where the realness hits..Please be warned that I have literally told no one in my life this entire story..)
It was about 6 years ago...
I was 16, could finally drive, a junior in high school, and had my first "real" boyfriend (meaning my parents didn't have to drive me to dates). I thought I had a pretty legit life. Well, after about 2 weeks my "boyfriend" showed his real personality...
I was a cliche teenage girl. I went after the "bad boy." He was a bad boy, like a real bad boy. He'd been in and out of the local boys' homes. My dad and my brothers couldn't stand him and my mom was just trying to be polite. They thought he was too cocky, too childish, and not good enough. I thought I could be the girl to "fix" him and in return he would love me. Well, obviously in no universe would that happen...
He started pointing out "problems" on me: my genetic skin condition that covers my arms and legs, he nicknamed me "jell-o" because different parts of me would jiggle a little when he poked, or he would pinch my stomach and leg fat. He would tell me that given the opportunity he would try and "get with" my best friends because they either had better bodies or a prettier face than me. On a few occasions, he called my friends to proposition them! He would put me down, but then he would call me back and talk about how he cared about me and that he was just trying to be honest. I figured this was normal, if I could just wait this out. If I could lose a few pounds, wear my hair and my clothes like "my pretty friends," he wouldn't make fun of me. I thought if I just fixed myself, that he'd like me..I'd be enough for him...
I think I cried every.damn.day. I'm not talking a few tear drops. I'm talking all out, you lose your breath, your makeup is smeared all over your face, ugly cry. (And if you know me at all, you know I'm not a crier. I really don't cry unless I'm completely exhausted and then something sends me over the edge). I was miserable because I felt worthless, that clearly I had done something wrong or else how could someone be that mean?
Well, after about 2-3 months of this we were at his house and he was talking about how hot my best friend was and how I should figure out how to look like that. Meanwhile, another one of my friends texted me, asking me where I was because my "boyfriend" was texting her; asking to hook up. I was fed up and didn't say another word other than that I was leaving to go hang out with my friends at my high school's basketball game. He rolled his eyes and smirked, saying I was overreacting and shoved me onto his bed, saying I wouldn't go to the game and my friends were all lying. The only problem was that this wasn't a play shove, but a meaningful, put some muscle into it, shove.
I have no idea what happened inside of me. I don't know if I finally woke up or what. He had hit some internal nerve I didn't even know I had. He had tried to hurt me, physically this time, and I was done...forever. I walked out of his room, out of his house, and out of his life. I was blessed enough to have met him when I was 16; when it was easy to leave. We hadn't started a life together, we didn't have any mutual property, or (thank goodness) children.
I cried my eyes out the entire way to the basketball game, but no one at the basketball game knew what had happened. I put on a happy face and smiled/laughed my whole way through. Afterwards, I just went home and again cried my eyes out.
For a couple weeks, he would text or call me, but I did everything in my power to not answer. I deleted his number from my phone and I labeled different numbers he would try and call me from as, "Don't Answer." Then, the calls stopped. I started to slowly put myself back together. I came to realize that I wasn't the ugly one and I wasn't the one that needed to change.
Was this a long relationship, no it actually only lasted a few months, but it still stung as bad. Each word, each dig pushed me further down.
To this day I still have to remind myself that I AM ENOUGH. That I am strong, I am beautiful, and no one can make me feel differently. I have to remind myself that no matter what others think, I AM ENOUGH.
I think this is why I get so defensive when people make comments about my looks (or even other people's looks) or when people judge others for their personal relationships. Saying that they should handle it in private, that it must be the victim's fault, why didn't they come forward sooner, or that the victim is just "overreacting." Until, you can witness first hand this kind of relationship or you have been in one, you cannot judge another. It's a horrible, wretched place to me physically and mentally. You feel completely helpless, as though it's all your doing and, "goddamnit, if I could just lose those 5lbs..he wouldn't think I'm so gross." You don't go looking for help at first because he apologizes, he does something nice, you think you're overreacting, or (like me) you truly believe it's your fault.
I don't like being put in those types of situations because it brings me back to that time in my life, however short lived. So, even though it hurt to be brought back to that place by recent events (I have to constantly watch myself- make sure I'm not judging too harshly or putting myself down); it helps others. Other people need to know that they are not alone. They need to hear that ANY kind of abuse- physical and emotional are NEVER acceptable. People need to know that whether are not there are bruises left or that they don't have to wear sunglasses or longsleeves to hide the marks, it's still NOT ACCEPTABLE!
I do thank whoever is watching over me that at least that part of my life is in the past. I never plan on going back there or letting anything similar happen again. Finally, I make sure to support anyone going through a similar situation.
There it is..my spring cleaning...my "realness"
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| Many people know I love Marilyn Monroe, but no one knows that this is the experience that inspired my tattoo |
beautiful!!! I'm a crossfitter and proud to be in the same community as you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sarah!
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